I am a little late with my prognostications for 2008 but better late than never. As I downloaded my digital crystal ball I enjoyed a moment of silence for all the great seers who have been foreseeing our futures since the 16th century and these include Nostradamus, Edgar Cayce, Jean Dixon, Gordon Michael Scallion, and Sylvia “Always Wrong” Brown just to name a few.
Seering like the oldest profession in the world, has paid many a household bill while putting food on the table.
There is good money and fame to be had in those dark and dire predictions about pieces of the earth breaking up and falling into the sea or asteroids hitting the earth and killing off 90% of the population. But my motives are very different I assure you and there is no monetary benefit for this lowly scribe. There are no prophecy/ fantasy books to be published and no invitations to talk shows to opine about mankind’s dismal future or if Americans will have a collective epiphany that glow- in- the- dark teeth whitening is more scary than sexy in its overall impact.
So gentle readers, allow me to concentrate on what 2008 holds in store for the volatile Muslim nations and how this will impact on the rest of us infidels around the world.
Al Qaeda, independent suicide bombers and Muslim teenagers with bombs will be responsible for destroying 80% of Pakistan’s infrastructure during the weeks leading up to the 2008 elections.
Groups calling for an end to violence in Pakistan will kill thousands in the tribal regions and stop only when they run out of ammunition.
Pervez Musharraf will continue to look dapper in his nifty outfits and will win 125% of the votes cast in Pakistan’s “most transparent election ever”.
In response to these results, the opposition parties will issue calls for a civil war and the neighbouring Taliban from Afghanistan will blow up the remaining 20% of the country’s infrastructure as a gesture of goodwill.
Benazir Bhutto’s husband, aka “Mr 40%” will join hands with Iraq based Halliburton to “rebuild” the devastated land and will be declared the only multi-zillionaire in the known world after only two miles of roadways are laid down.
In reaction to these developments in neighbouring Pakistan, India-born Muslims, will go on the rampage, burning homes and derailing trains for no other reason than to keep in practice.
Osama Bin Ladin will release another tape with his hair looking suspiciously black and his physical features markedly different from previous tapes prompting observers to speculate that he might be morphing or shape-shifting in the back rooms of his cave complex.
Mahmoud Ahamadinejad will reveal that he has finally made contact with the long awaited 12th Prophet or Mahdi. The Mahdi who is believed to be a little disoriented after spending many centuries hidden in a well, will finally reveal plans on how to decimate all infidels from the face of the earth without the aid of suicide bombers. He will be coy but may also hint at plans for establishing his God-sanctioned worldwide caliphate after the global nuclear disaster.
The Dalai Lama and other religious leaders will express shock that after so many years of solitude and contemplation in his watery hideout, this Mahdi has yet to be among America’s cadre of well wishers.
(Okay that is a terrible pun I know…but it is irresistible).
As we peer into Afghanistan, the crystal ball shows the opium- producing Taliban accusing the west of poisoning the world with vices like drug addiction. In a spit-drenched tirade, Taliban troops fresh from celebrating the destruction of several Afghan hospitals, offices and hotels, will also accuse the western countries of wanting to keep Afghanistan impoverished and structurally underdeveloped.
In development in other regions, Hamas will blow up all of the Gaza Strip, West Bank and Golan Heights along with a chunk of Israel to smithereens rather instead of working hand in hand with Fatah to establish a Palestinian state. The resulting traffic gridlock to heaven and nubile young virgin shortage could take the traditional earth-based Muslim subterfuge, sectarian violence and infidel hating into the celestial regions for the first ever time in history.
The surviving 100 Palestinians will blame Israel and the United States for their demise and go on a month long wailing marathon before plotting to send a suicide bomber on another expedition.